


hiraeth

by anemo



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:07:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24933487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anemo/pseuds/anemo
Summary: A story in which Itaru decides to push Chikage away, in fear that he'll do the same to him.
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage
Kudos: 56





	hiraeth

**Author's Note:**

> chikaita supremacy. that is all. enjoy the fic :)

As a kid, Itaru never thought twice when it came to playing video games. His taste at the time wasn’t restricted to anything. If the game was beatable, he’d play it. Such was the addictiveness of winning a game, with giving one a sense of accomplishment and the rush of dopamine that came with it. To every child, winning a game felt exactly like getting a gold medal at the Olympics, or discovering the cure to cancer. It was an achievement which provided such a satisfaction that would definitely leave a person craving for more.

Despite all his academic achievements at the time, the young Itaru quickly found himself glued in front of the television screen after school, having quickly sped through his homework beforehand. Some part of him wished he could share the joy of video games with others, but he soon realized the odd connotations that came with them. Many of his classmates saw video games as nerdy, or something only a loser would play in their free time. Not to mention, he wasn’t athletic or anyone of interest, which already made him subject to all kinds of harassment. Eventually, he drifted away from his desire for interaction and accepted his fate as an outsider, thinking it would be for the best to avoid an inevitable outcome that way.

When his middle school years came and went, Itaru shifted from blending in with the crowd to creating a persona that unexpectedly captured the attention of many. At that point, he felt like he had nothing to lose. He finally managed to fit in, didn’t he? So why…

Why did he still feel so empty?

Why could he feel nothing, despite getting what he wanted?

He got a bunch of people to talk to him. No one made fun of him anymore for being weak and unathletic. But… in the end, the connections he made were all fake, and nothing would erase that fact. Everyone he’d talk to would only do so because of the mask he wore, and not the avid gamer he wanted to present himself as.

At least, not until  _ that _ classmate entered his life. The one who shared the same fervent passion for video games as he did. With nothing to lose, he placed all his trust and confided in said friend, without a shred of doubt in his head that anything unfortunate would happen. With him, Itaru could remove the mask he wore and be himself, like he’d always wished to be. Because his friend wouldn’t do anything to hurt him, right? He could keep a secret. A valuable one at that, but it was still a secret. It couldn’t possibly hurt him at all...

Oh, but it did. Word spread from the mouth of a friend he trusted with all his being, and just like that, his trust shattered to pieces as quickly as it built itself up. Just like that, he was back to being an outcast, even more so after being outed as a fake, an attention-seeker of sorts. After that day, he swore to himself not to trust anyone again. Never in a million years would he try getting close to anyone, and even if they did, he would only push them away before they could do it to him. He wouldn’t let himself get hurt again from something as trivial as friendships, relationships, or the like.

But he still craved the pleasure of talking to someone, building a genuine relationship over silly memories, playing video games, and so much more. Joining MANKAI Company gave him exactly that, although he initially detested the idea of joining. It gave him a place to open up and be  _ himself _ , and he thought he’d never had to worry once about anyone leaving him behind ever again.

Except… he did, didn’t he.

When his superior ended up joining the company, he thought almost nothing of it, other than being confused at discovering the latter’s supposed interest towards theater. They would have to start sharing a dorm room. Nothing huge, right? Itaru would just have to clean up the entire junkyard that he called his room… In front of Chikage.

At that point, Itaru grew accustomed to hearing others scold him for his messiness and his other bad habits, and he took it as lightly as a grain of salt. Except, when he heard the same words come from Chikage’s mouth… He couldn’t help but feel a pang in his chest each time. Was it the status effect of his “unromantic senpai”? Or could it be something else?

Either way, it affected him in more ways than one, but seeing how it ended up bringing them closer each time… Maybe having the man scold him wasn’t so bad after all. Seeing his disappointed face was honestly kind of cute… No, what was he thinking? If anything, that would mean Chikage would never try and get closer to him. Not in a million years.

That’s what Itaru  _ tried _ to convince himself, all while the space between them grew smaller and smaller. The small gestures Chikage would do for him while he was gaming, like tying his hair up when the hair tie fell loose, or waiting for him to wake up so they could leave for work together, despite Chikage’s shift starting a few hours after his own. In return, what did he do?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Before he could allow himself the chance to do anything in return, Itaru grew distant from everyone in MANKAI after his realization, especially Chikage. He stopped interacting with anyone outside of rehearsals, he spent more time glued to his computer, and it went needless to say that everyone was worried.

Why was he doing this, though? He should be happy that he found people he could trust. He told them about his childhood, opened up to them about his insecurities, too… Yet, he couldn’t shake the thought that they’d leave him someday. He’d do something stupid, or they’d have enough of his stupid personality and leave him to rot somewhere.

Everyone tried getting him to open up, but to no avail. All they would get in response was a gentle smile, obviously from his faked personality, and it seemed hopeless… Up until a certain person decided to finally step in.

Even after being approached by everyone in MANKAI, it wasn’t enough to shake him out of his pessimistic daze, and it took Chikage’s intervention to pry Itaru’s mouth open, where all at once, his feelings flooded out of him like a tsunami. Feelings that he’d kept inside him since his early childhood, which never left him despite having moved on. But he never really moved on, did he? Otherwise, he wouldn’t be a sobbing mess in Chikage’s arms, clinging to him like a lifeline he was too afraid to let go of.

It only took a few words of comfort for his mask to crumble to pieces, but with Chikage still sitting next to him, even pulling him closer to give him a sense of comfort… The rustling of a blanket being wrapped around the two of them caused him to look up, and saw his roommate’s relaxed face as he rubbed circles into Itaru’s back.

“It’s okay. I’ll be right here if you need anything.,” Chikage sighed. ”Give yourself a break and let it all out.”

“...M’kay,” Itaru muttered, leaning his head against Chikage’s shoulder. “Thanks..”

As he closed his eyes, he caught the faint trace of a smile on Chikage’s face, and he couldn't help but smile a little as well.

"Senpai, I... I think I love you."

"Took you long enough. I love you too, Chigasaki."

**Author's Note:**

> i ended up projecting myself onto itaru... because it's another vent fic, WOOHOO- but i felt bad writing a sad ending, so i ended up changing that to have chikaita cuddling on the couch :)


End file.
